One
These days, I had come to find certain comfort and innocent pleasure in the eeriness nature provided. Something about watching the leaves of different types of trees gave me a different perspective about life itself. As I watched birds of the same feathers effortlessly perch on the pole wire right in front of my home, I wondered if like me, they enjoyed watching nature in all its revered beauty. All of a sudden I realized the birds had something I so desperately craved. They had freedom.
The sound of my husband’s car coming through the drive way crushed my heart so fast, it broke. I felt a tightening in my chest as I got off the tiny steps I sat on. I scurried into the house like a little child trying to make sure nothing was out of order to avoid being scolded by a parent, or even worse. Daniel was my poison ivy; my soul was as blistered as a swelling on a plant. He was the mean parent, no child liked…except in this case; he was my husband, my pair of a tie and supposedly, my soul mate. The day I met him was unlike any other day I had ever had. The sun was shining on a hot Sunday afternoon and all I wanted was to take off the clothes I had worn to church. As I sat in my room, trying to take my heels off, I could hear my mother’s loud voice calling me to come downstairs. As I walked down the stairs, she beckoned me to hurry towards where she stood, and she wasn’t alone. Right there in the living room was an older woman I had a pleasure of meeting a few times before, I had never admitted this to anyone, but the look in her eyes scared me every single time, still I smiled from ear to ear while my insides crumbled to a million and one tiny pieces. From what I had gathered, she was one of my mother’s most recent acquaintances from church. The story according to my mother was that the woman watched her walk through the aisle to drop her offering in the collection box and for some reason unknown to anyone, she was immediately drawn to my mother. After the church service, she tracked my mother down and had a conversation that resulted into a discussion about her single, thirty-something year old son. Fast forward to a couple weeks later, right here and now; she stood with her son as they all exchanged greetings and submerged smiles. All their attention turned to me as I stopped in my tracks, all I could think about was how the cold tiles felt so good against the skin of my feet.
“Good afternoon Ma.” I greeted the woman who had eyes that scared the living daylight out of me, in all honesty, her eyes had nothing on how kind she seemed, she was nothing but nice and welcoming every time we spoke, but something in the way she looked at me, didn’t feel so good. I turned to see the very, disappointed, expressive look on my mother’s face as she urged me to kneel as I greeted the old woman. I didn’t.
Everything that happened after the rather awkward pleasantries had been exchanged changed my life forever, only then… I thought it’d be for the better. Now; it’s for the absolute worst.
“How are you my darling daughter?” The old woman smiled so much, I could see the weary wrinkles around her lips and eyes form, she looked between me and her son, as though she was searching for some sort of signal, I looked at my mother as she equally smiled as much as the woman did. They shared a knowing look and I wanted nothing more than to leave the awkwardness of the whole situation.
“Ahh-ah! Ojamalia, won’t you greet him?” My mother asked intensely, I knew the intensity of the situation the moment she said my name in true Igala fashion, she pronounced it as it should be ‘orjahmahleeah’ with every intonation present. Usually, she would just call me Malia like everyone else did, but today she was in no mood for casual name calling or anything at all that did not match the official business that was going on in the living room at that moment.
I looked at the male stranger in front of me; he smiled nervously as he said “Hi, I’m Daniel.” He extended his left hand forward and I immediately decided he was a left hander, I’d later come to realize that he was in fact nowhere close to being a lefty, he just reveled in being obnoxiously rude and psychopathic.
“It’s nice to meet you Daniel, I’m Malia.” I feigned a smile.
“OJAMALIA!” My mother pointed out loudly as though we were all deaf in one ear. “It means gold!” she added.
“No wonder your daughter resembles gold.” The old woman said smiling till her hand found a way to my shoulder, which she rubbed the wrong way. “What a beautiful young woman. How old are you my daughter?” She asked as though she was conducting an interview for extensive research.
“Twenty five Ma.” I replied with all the politeness I could muster, I barely knew this woman, and she had invaded my home and my privacy so fast that even tossing a coin was no match for her speed and bravado.
“Such a proper age… my son here is thirty five” She pointed out callously as she looked over at her son and smiled. My mother cleared her throat as though they were on a covert secret mission. “We’ll leave both of you to… talk.” His mother said. We watched awkwardly as they headed for the dining table, turning and whispering to themselves like high school girls on a mission.
“Don’t mind my mother; she’s trying to set us up.” He said and I feigned a look of surprise, he smiled at me and I felt safer than I did when his mother stood right there. I looked at him for a long period of time, I had seen him when I told him my name, but I didn’t really look. Now that I really looked at him, I could see that he had a smile that almost felt contagious, and his eyes…I knew I could almost get lost in those eyes. I stopped myself from liking anything about him. I knew what was coming, I wouldn’t put it past my mother to bring up some sort of marriage proposal between us. Ever since my twenty third birthday, she had egged on the issue of marriage like it was a matter of life and death, after all, her image now rested on my shoulder. If I couldn’t provide myself with a husband before I turned twenty six, she was going to provide one herself. And by the look of things, I knew she had done just that.
My mind travelled back to the present, leaving all shades of reminiscing behind. As I stood in my own home this time, I still couldn’t believe two years had passed since that day and I was still wrapping my head around how everything had changed along with it. I was no longer the resistant twenty five year old living in her mother’s house. I was now the anxious housewife, standing in the living room of her own home as she awaited the entry of the man she had come to love so much, but more importantly, the man she had come to fear. I watched as the door softly opened and his shiny black shoe crossed the line between the outside world and our world. His whole body was finally visible as he dropped his briefcase on the floor and attempted to take his suit jacket off. He stopped in his tracks when he saw me, and his tightened jaw softened, almost like he was happy to see me.
“Welcome home baby.” I said with a smile on my face, but my insides were melting, I knew I had to tread lightly or the slightest move in the wrong direction would wake his demons up, and trust me when I say, his demons wouldn’t go back to sleep if they happen to be disturbed. He nodded towards me as he proceeded to the attempted removal of his jacket. When that was done, he went straight to his tie. I shuffled my way towards him, as I placed my slender hands on his tie, our hands touched and I didn’t feel anything but a terrifying connection. I took the tie off as I grabbed his jacket from him. “How was your day baby?” He liked it when I called him baby, he liked to think I still loved him no matter what happened between us, and if he ever felt like I hated him, it stirred up emotions in him, I really did not want to deal with.
“It was fine…that stupid Okeke man showed up again, he complained for hours about how he wanted to sue his son in law for stealing money from his company. Again.”
I let out a little giggle that sounded genuine, I had faked a laugh for every story he told after work. I had done it so much that I did not know the difference between a fake laugh and a real one anymore. “He’s such a funny man.” I said unenthusiastically as I watched my husband walk straight to the already set dining table. I hurried upstairs to our room, threw his jacket and tie into an old hamper. I turned on my heels to head downstairs when I heard the loud clacking of plates, I took a deep breath in as I summoned the courage for whatever episode Daniel was about to have. As I reached where he sat, his hunched back was a bad sign, I noticed how he looked at the food before him, his lips quivered with so much rage and he furiously tapped his shoe against the tile, I took tiny steps towards him “What’s wrong baby?” I asked as lightly.
“What’s wrong?” he asked silently, he scoffed like he could not believe I had the nerve to ask him that, like I was supposed to read his mind to know exactly what I had done wrong. “What’s wrong?” he repeated, only this time he was loud, he flew off the dining chair and he sent the chair flying behind him, he pointed aggressively to the stew in front of him. “There’s too much oil in this, what is wrong with you? Did your mother forget to teach you how to cook like a woman should?” His eyes were wide open, eyes that I had once dreamed of getting lost in, now they just seemed to swallow me in whether I liked it or not.
“But last week you said the oil was not enough… Daniel, what am I going to do in this house that won’t make you angry?” As soon as the words left my mouth, I knew his demons were about to come out to play, I only hoped it would be one of the nicer ones. I watched as he grabbed the little ceramic bowl that contained the stew I had spent my day trying to make perfect, and in a nanosecond he threw the stew right across my shirt, I gasped as soon as it hit me and the only thing I could think was ‘thank God I did not reheat it.’ My whole body was covered in my own hard work, before I could lift my head up fully to look at him, he threw the plate next. I had an outer body experience at that moment; it was almost as though I saw the plate flying towards me before he even threw it. Somehow, I had managed to duck before the plate shattered loudly against the wall. I turned to look back at the broken pieces, and without even realizing it, tears rolled swiftly down my eyes. I turned back to look at him and he was fuming, I could almost see the invisible fumes coming out of his nostrils.
“The next time you ask a stupid question like that, I’ll make sure I break your face…not that stupid plate!” The rage in his voice was unbecoming; he looked at me with haughty eyes for what felt like a minute till he stumped his way upstairs.
I fell to the ground as soon as he was no longer in sight, clenching my chest and crying as silently as I could till I rolled into a ball on the ground. I could not move, all I had were the tears in my eyes and even those were going to leave me soon. My mind drifted back to the first day I met Daniel. I thought about his smile again, and how calming he was. I wish I knew then what I know now, if only I knew better. He was like a report on a weather channel; Claiming that there’d be clear skies all through the day, all of a sudden without any warning or distress calls, right in the middle of a flight all you see is the dark sky and turbulence.
How do you go back to the time where you thought it’d be clear skies and still convince yourself not to go on board because all that awaits you is the opposite of what you expect? When I had no more tears to cry, I dragged myself off the ground and cleaned up the chaos Daniel had left behind. Nothing about this made me feel good, everything in me screamed and urged me to stand up for myself, but something about Daniel always made me back down. He was not always like this, his anger issues had gone from a zero to a hundred so fast, and I did not know how to deal with it. My shirt was starting to feel crusty against my skin, I had wiped it down with a kitchen towel and it looked even worse than before. The fear of having another altercation with my husband stopped me from walking up the stairs, so I just stood there, in the middle of the living room, trying to decide what my next move should be.
Without really deciding what I should do next, I found my feet doing all the thinking, I start to head towards the living room door, as I jogged down the little porch steps, I stared ahead at the sky and marveled at how peaceful it remained even in the middle of all the chaos that happens in the world. I took the corner on my left towards the little playground in our beautifully aged estate, which was one of the reasons I married Daniel…my mother had been so enthralled by the fact that he had his whole life figured out, so it was a no-brainer that she hated my then boyfriend, who was practically the same age as me, and equally confused about what he wanted to do with his life. Daniel on the other hand checked all the boxes, he was a thirty five year old man; which meant he was ready to settle down, have a wife and kids, he had a stable job and he already had a beautiful house he wanted to buy for his future wife. Before I could bat an eyelash, my mother had decided how perfect we would be together. She dreamt of weekly visitations to see our unborn child, she lived in a world of delusions before I even said my first hi to Daniel.
I walked even faster every time my feet hit the ground; the blue, rusty looking swing set had slowly become the place I went to when I really needed to cry by myself. Everyone in the neighborhood liked to mind their business and also lock themselves at home. No one really brought their children to play; the playground was not a place for laughter and happiness. It had become the land of tears for me. The number of times I had cried at the very same spot, the very same swing I just sat on, could not be counted. Every single time I wandered off to the playground, my mind did a little wandering off of it’s on. It wandered what it’d be like if I had a child, a little mini me…maybe then, the playground would hold the loudest, brightest laughter in all the earth. Unfortunately, Daniel and I had been trying for so long to have a child. It’s been a year since we got married; it’s also been the same amount of time in which we’ve been trying. A little part of me was so glad we did not have any luck in that area, I really did not want to know what raising a child with him would feel like, and I was not ready to find out either. As the swing went to and fro, making little creaking sounds, I could not help but think of how many more times I could bear coming back here. There was an off chance that going back home from here would create even more drama. The way our household worked was like this; Daniel would get really angry at something I did or did not do, and I would wander off here till I could muster the strength to go back home. On returning home, I would meet him in a very good, apologetic mood; if I was lucky. If I was unlucky on the other hand, he’d be even angrier than he was before I left, and that never ended well.
The wind blew right past my face and I welcomed it as I breathed it in with my eyes closed, I wanted to escape this world somehow, and closing my eyes gave me that for a little while. It was like I had been given a gift to day dream any other reality, any other reality than the one I was in. With my eyes shut tight, I started to dream up a different reality, a reality where I was not married to the wrong man, a reality where all my dreams came true, a reality where my life had a semblance of meaningfulness. If I was married to someone who wasn’t my Daniel, and in that alternate universe we had our daughter, our very first child; her name would have been Gift…that was the first name that popped up in my head at that moment. I wouldn’t be sitting on this swing, instead she would be the one sitting right here, while I pushed her gently back and forth. My alternate universe husband would tell jokes while I laughed, he would look at his little family with so much pride and joy, and everything would be perfect. The dog wouldn’t be as ferocious as it sounds right now… Wait, there’s an actual dog barking right now. I open my eyes to see the animal that had evaded my train of thoughts. It was a black dog, a few steps before me, but definitely barking at me. I flinched at how angry it looked, my mind immediately reverted back to Daniel, and he had come in the shape of a dog to steal the life I had conjured up in my mind. Or maybe my mind was playing tricks on me; maybe the dog was not even real.
“Max!” A voice commanded, and the dog whimpered at the sound of its owner’s voice, I watched as he jogged up towards us and I realized the dog was actually really. The tall, beautifully made man nervously smiled at me as he grabbed his dog by its collar. The dog, Max, raised his head up as though his neck needed petting. I watched as Max and Max’s owner struggled to find stability. He looked up at me; the man, not the dog, and I felt my heart flutter. “I’m sorry about the dog; I don’t know how it reached here.” He waited for a response but I felt like I had a fly stuck in my throat. “Anyway, sorry again…” He started to leave and my heart fell.
“Do you want to sit?” I blurted out the question and I immediately regretted it, I smacked myself mentally for what I had just done. A part of me wished he’d realize how crazy I looked and he’d say no, another part of me desperately needed the company. He held on to Max’s collar uncomfortably, he looked between me and the dog and in a moment of truth, he let go of the dog. “Yeah, sure.” He said calmly as he sat on the swing right beside me and my heart did back flips.
“I don’t even know why I asked you to sit.” I laughed nervously, I was lying to myself, and I knew exactly why I asked him to sit. I needed someone to distract me from the chaos that had become my life, and with a face like his, distracting me would definitely be a piece of cake.
“I’m actually glad you did…I think I’ve seen you around.” I looked at his face and my insides melted as soon as he smiled, I looked away immediately, I couldn’t have a school girl crush on a random stranger, the very thought of Daniel finding out made my heart beat so fast, I thought it’d jump out of my chest.
“Really?” I asked hiding any form of excitement in my voice. I looked straight ahead even though I knew his face would be a way better view than the unkempt grasses.
“Yeah, I live around here. I don’t want to sound creepy but whenever I’m driving by…I see you.” He takes a beat and for a second, we lock eyes. “Sitting in front of your house…either reading a book or just sitting…”
“Yeah, I sit outside a lot.” Something was definitely wrong with the speech processing part of my brain, I didn’t know what to say, and this man certainly had an awkward effect on me. He smiled at me and a part of me wanted to smile back. But a smile was one of the greater luxuries of life I could not afford right now. He clears his throat almost like he’s thinking of the next thing to say, and I feel sorry for putting him in a weird position…why did I have to make him sit. Our eyes awkwardly looked at Max as he chewed on something he had found in the grass. My mind scrambled on what to say next, I should ask for his name…I should tell him mine…I should get him out of my mind!
“What happened to your shirt?” He asked looking at the mess I had almost forgotten about, he stared at me intensely waiting for an answer, I took a minute, and I needed to say something that made me seem less weird than I already did.
“I’m just so clumsy, kitchen… stew… accident.” I face palmed myself mentally at how ridiculous my answer sounded.
“Wow! That stew must have been so sweet that you had to feed your whole body.” He laughed dryly at his own joke, I tried so hard to fake a laugh, and it was working perfectly till my mind drifted to an image of Daniel throwing the plate of stew at me. Soon enough my laugh transitioned into a loud ugly cry I could not stop. “Did I say something wrong?” he asked sadly, the poor guy was stuck in a living nightmare, I looked up at him trying to compose myself but I ended up crying even more. I just needed to fall apart in someone’s arms and Daniel’s arms weren’t exactly available. I felt him shift awkwardly on the swing as he stretched his hand and placed it on my shoulder. He patted me gently as a way of consoling me, but I could tell how uncomfortable he was getting, so I willed myself to stop the crying, it was going to take a whole lot to stop the tears because my soul needed an outlet that was going to help with the pain it felt.
“I’m so sorry…I don’t why I’m crying.” I said between sobs, and like a crying Kardashian, I tilted my head up to stop the tears from flowing down, as I used my index fingers on both hands to dab the corner of my eyes. Yes, I had been watching too many reality TV shows and that was a tested method of avoiding black mascara tears, even though I literally had no makeup on.
He took his hand back and my heart fell, my shoulder was getting used to the comfort it provided “it’s fine, do you want to talk about it?” His voice was firm but I could hear the compassion clawing its way out. I let out a little awkward laugh but anyone within a hundred mile radius would still be able to hear the residue of sadness in my laugh.
“I just met you…” I said, but everything in me wanted to share all of my life problems with this stranger.
“So what?” There was something about the way the words rolled out of his mouth that had me wanting to hear more “Okay, let’s do this…I tell you something I wouldn’t usually tell a stranger and you’ll do the same, let’s call it our honest to God truths, deal?” His legs were sprawled on the ground, almost like they were too tall for the swing, which they probably were, I nodded my head in response to the unfamiliar territory I was getting into, but I did not care, there was something about looking at him that made me want to share all my secrets. “I lost my elder sister a year ago, she was about to have her first baby.” He said everything word for word with immense sadness, without even thinking, I reached out and placed my hand on his. “She died trying to bring her first child into the world…something in me broke after she died, I just don’t get how cruel life can be, and I question my whole existence every single day. Sometimes I wake up and I think about her, and what my beautiful niece, or nephew would have looked like…my sister could not wait to bring her child to this playground, and I would always laugh at her and tell her how dead the place looked…now they are the ones who are dead.” He looks up at me and I see a tear drop. “For so long, all I felt was anger and hate, and I poured all of that on everyone I came across. One morning, a month ago, I woke up, I quit my job…I decided life was too short to be doing things that made me unhappy or didn’t bring any joy to my life. Now I’m twenty eight, broker than I’ve ever been in my entire life, living with my brother-in-law, watching his heart break on a daily basis. “ Wow was all I could think, one look at this guy and you’d think his life was all butterflies and rainbows, but now I saw him clearer, he was carrying a lot of pain on his shoulder and I didn’t know what to say to lessen the load. “Your turn, deep truths… go!”
“Uhmmm okay.” I let go of his hand as I went on to fiddle with the hem of my messed up shirt, I did not know what I was going to say, I just had to say one word and take it from there. “So, you asked about my shirt earlier, I made it sound like an accident. But it wasn’t.” He looked at me so intensely, urging me to go on; I looked down at my shirt hoping the words would come out without the usual flood of tears. “I don’t even know what to say.” I could feel the tears coming, I took a deep breath in, and as I let it out, it felt like several tiny stones were stuck in my throat.
“You don’t have to, if you can’t right now.” He said.
“We made a deal.” I half smiled “It wasn’t an accident…I literally had a whole plate of stew thrown at me.”
“Who threw it?” He asked shifting in his swing.
“My husband…” I could see the realization in his eyes, his mouth turned into an O shape at the fact that I was married, in a nanosecond, he went from surprised to utterly shocked.
“Damn!” He exclaimed to himself “Why did he do that?” He asked regaining mental consciousness.
“Too much oil, or not enough oil…It’s always something with him.” I hoped heavily that his impression of me wouldn’t change, but it did, all of a sudden I saw nothing but pity in the way he looked at me.
He sobered up and stared at me, eye to eye, like he was looking out for nothing but the truth. “Does he hit you?” he asked, I started to shake my head profusely as I rose to my feet, I could not believe he had just asked me that.
“No… why would you even ask me that?” I asked feeling almost insulted, which was the wrong feeling to feel at that moment, he was only concerned. He rose to his feet as he put his arms up in an act of surrender.
“I’m sorry, I had to ask, and you said he threw the stew at you…that just sounded like physical abuse.”
“He just has anger issues, there’s nothing abusive about my marriage, he loses his temper sometimes but he has never once in his life hit me.” I barked. I needed him to hear me loud and clear. “He doesn’t hit me!” I said again.
“Okay, okay, I hear you…can you sit back down please?” he asked gently and I shook my head adamantly.
“No, I have to go…I shouldn’t have said anything.” I start to walk past him, he takes a hold of my hand and I react in a way I immediately regret “Don’t touch me!” I scream and I notice the surprise and fear in his eyes as he lets go in the blink of an eye.
“I’m sorry I shouldn’t have done that.” His voice had become so soft at this point; I was definitely going to be the crazy woman he met at the playground. I didn’t want to be the crazy woman he met at the playground, but it was too late to redeem my image. Even if I could, why did I want to? He was a stranger I met at my lowest lows and he would always be the stranger.
I took one last look at him and I walked away, everything in me wanted to look back, but I didn’t. My mind had created a mental picture of the stranger standing by the swing set, with his dog close by; as he watched the crazy woman he met at the playground walk away.